Let's take a minute to think about the individuals who have, in the past several generations and including those in the future, endured a life filled with gas lighters. May it be a parent, spouse, boss, or friend that has subjected them to such narcissistic ways. These humans have had pieces of themselves ripped apart by another for their own desperate need to feed the disgusting appetite they have deep within. I have been there myself, watch loved one's struggle within their own lives, and seen people lose themselves because their cries for help were left as silent voids. I have always had a strong stance until that one person knocked the shit out of me. Then, I was confused, took the blame, tried to be the better person by fixing them, and much more. Today, it is easier for me to spot a gas lighter, and I will park my foot between them and the one they are slowly gashing to shreds.

I often wonder what my purpose on this planet is. Sometimes, I think it is to help those that get left behind. Other times, I think it's to take the pain and heartache that others cannot. Rarely, I remind myself that I am merely here to die.

Just not easily, I suppose.

15 days later and I finally have a little time to update you on some things that I have been going through.

I had a minor surgery earlier this week to remove a mass from my rib area. It was pretty painful as I wasn't fully numb when the doctor cut in certain areas and I felt the last 3 stitches being sewn. I never want to do that again. I also made minor booboos at work when I may have overstepped my boundaries and I felt like shit for that. It is what it is. My boobs get squished in two more days because I am now geriatric.

In my first episode of the second season of 'The Weekly Linz', I talk about how much I dislike preparing turkey and why in the hell do we have Christmas shit out in September? None of it makes any sense to me. Speaking of the podcast: it now has been played over 300 times! I am in awe of that. I truly thought that it was only going to generate about 100 plays, and no one would come back to listen to the garbage that I tend to spew when I get in my feelings. Yet here I am telling you about how grateful I am to have listeners coming back and starting to follow my page on Facebook.

Take some time to relax and prepare for this holiday season. Sending Love and Positive Vibes. XO

Here we are, weeks later, and I am still not fully settled into this year. It has passed so quickly and has been filled with a bunch of downfalls. No matter how hard we have tried, we could not get ahead of the curve. Yet, that is considered life, right?

When I was a kid, I could not wait until it was summer. That meant no more school until the fall, long days to play, water fun, mowing the yard, and BBQ's. As an adult, I look forward to the fall and spring months. Hear me out, because I think I make a good argument on why!

No more swamp ass, breathing is easier, colors of the season are gorgeous, outside is bearable, out of hurricane season, and people are less grumpy because it isn't hot as hell. I look forward to bonfires, Carhartt, boots, hoodies, sitting on the swing watching the dog and kid play, family gatherings, and not sweating in every nook and cranny on this old body of mine.

2023 is about to be here and I think to myself as each year approaches; maybe this is the year we get ahead of the curve.

Liam and I just got back to my job from the funeral for my Mr. Joe. I was okay all the way up until I walked into the room where he was at. I could feel him in the room. Maybe it was through all of the people there. He was a well loved man. I wasn't going to speak during the service, but I felt compelled to after his nephew spoke. It gave me courage to speak as plainly as possible in explaining how much Joe meant to me.

Yesterday, 8-13-22, I woke up angry from a dream I had. To calm myself down, I opened FB and wouldn't you know it...I came across something else that pissed me off. I couldn't believe the audacity of someone to verbally attack my department in a stupid post. So, me being the lovely person that I am, I assumed the dog bite position and responded as kindly as I could by pounding my thumbs on my phone's keyboard.

My comment was recognized by several people who agreed with what I had to say. Kind of makes you feel good when you can stand up to someone, or a whole group of people, and be more reasonable than the original poster. My mood shifted to happiness as I felt victorious.

BUT.......I was not prepared for the rest of my day.

My brother came over and brought some local kolaches (the Texas kind, not German) and donuts. I was enjoying my breakfast when I opened my text from Priscilla. My beloved Mr. Joe had passed away early in the morning hours. I choked on my food and ran to my room screaming and crying. Shawn came to my rescue before I could hit the floor. My whole entire body was weak and I couldn't take the pain I was feeling in my chest as my heart was racing and trying to burst out of my body. I didn't want this to be true.

Liam and I raced to the family and spent the day with Priscilla. I know she has a wonderful daughter already and I adore JAW, but she made it clear from day one, she was my mother too.

I am a very lucky woman because I have three wonderful women who are my mothers. Susan, Judy, and Priscilla.

My real mother? Well, she continues to drive nails into my heart. From birth, she has hated me. She lies and tells everyone that she loves me and that she doesn't know why I hate her. That is astonishing to me, considering everything she has done to me since I was born.

Yesterday was no exception to her showing her demonic ways. She took it upon herself to contact one of my children and somehow convince him to meet up with her. No matter how many times I have warned them to stay away from her, my words are not important to any of them.

Not only did my world come crashing down, my birth mother fueled the rage inside me once more. She posted a photo of her and my son. I immediately knew that she spoke disgusting lies to him because that is who she has and always will be. She will do and say anything to make herself seem as if she is the true and only victim. I did not understand why my Mr. Joe had to die, yet she gets to continue her sinful ways and live. Then it hit me...he is at peace. He was a man of integrity. He lived life giving to others. He was caring, sweet, considerate, and loving. He deserves to be at peace and with his loved ones in heaven. She does not. She deserves to wallow in pain 24/7 for all whom she has tortured and ruined. She will never have the love that my Mr. Joe will always have from those who know him.

I haven't shed one tear today because the gravity of understanding is very powerful. Understanding that death is part of the inevitable. Understanding that God takes you when it is your time. Understanding that you have been spared from this ugly world and get to relish in the beauty of His kingdom. Understanding unconditional peace. Understanding that my Mr. Joe is holding the fort down until I and all my loved ones can be together in those ginormous beautiful cloud castles. Understanding that my birth mother is not going to be welcomed inside those gates until she admits the truths of all the pain, hurt, sorrow, and broken hearts she has caused. She has never asked nor begged for true forgiveness.

Last night, I prayed to the Lord that I can somehow rid myself of the bitterness and anger she causes me. During my sleep, I dreamt of a field that had tall meadow grass speckled with blue Indian Paintbrush like flowers and I was wearing a light yellow cotton dress with white square pockets at the hips. I was shoeless. My long hair was down and I could feel it moving along the back of my arms as the wind slightly blew around me. I could see my Nana and Papa far off in the distance. All of the sudden I heard my Mr. Joe's voice to my right and he said, "you can never be truly happy in your life until you let go of..."

Then, I freaking woke up and never got the last word(s) that was supposed to help me. I imagine it was the word hate or possibly anger. Maybe even the word guilt. I don't know. So, I took it as my sign to just stop. Not worry about what she does. Focus on me and what I need to do. Never let her in again. Understand that it is okay to not mend a broken relationship. Ask for forgiveness and let her go.

One last time: Thank you, Mr. Joe, for showing me what it means to be a good person and how to get my heart back in line and hold on to my own integrity.

What a coupe of days we have had, huh? We (the EP and I) have been super busy with working and will finally have some time to record a new podcast tonight. I am excited to bring some comical ( at least I hope it's) content to the show with Mikey. We have tossed a couple ideas back and forth to one another and I can't express how easily these ideas come along. I mean, the last idea that I had was this morning while driving my bus. I could not wait to share with Mikey! I immediately messaged him once I got to a safe location. To be able to work with someone that has the same vision of the podcast as I do is quite possibly dedicated to the collision of planets. Alignment of stars. Whatever it is, I love that it has happened. Anyways, I just wanted to touch base and put this is writing so everyone can see that maybe, just maybe, what we are meant to do doesn't happen until later in life. I don't know though. I could always be wrong, but like is clearly 50/50.

I haven't blogged in a couple of days because I have been getting ready to start the school year. Being a bus driver has been a wild experience. I have worked at one of Texas' largest school districts and one of the smallest. By far, the smallest has been the absolute best. The amount of things that I have be able to learn at my current district has been nothing short of fascinating. I admire a lot of the department staff. I see first hand what everyone does during the hours of 4:30am and 7:00pm. From the mechanics to the shuttle drivers and everything in between, we have truly been blessed with such a fantastic team.

I am really ready to start the school year. I plan to go head first into it and keep a positive attitude each day. I know that the learning curve never ends, but instead of getting aggravated, I am going to try my absolute best to be...softer...I suppose would be a word to best convey what I am trying to say. I am ready for the routine and the unexpected. I seen several of my littles last night and it was nice to get hugs and high fives. I have truly missed those little boogers. I look forward to meeting the newer kiddos. I thought that being a bus driver would be terrible and hard. Turns out, its quite nice and fun.

Now that I have bored you enough with my yapping, I want to end with this: Embrace today and look forward to tomorrow with a bright smile and your head held high.

Never forget; you matter.

Today is 1,204 days since I last tasted alcohol. That is three years, three months, and 17 days.

I was just talking with my niece, Dani, about the topics I had planned out for the next several weeks. She told me the top 3 that she would like to hear about. My heart felt tugged when she said she would like to hear about how I deal with my mental health during sobriety.

I am generally proud of myself. There are days when all I want to do is drink. I mean, slam a 12 pack of beer and a bottle of rum or vodka. I have tons of drunk stories. There were fun times and then there were traumatic events that occurred during my many binge drinking days/nights. I have shared my story in depth with a few people. But, I have never gone into specific details about how I felt and how I feel now.

I guess it is time. Tomorrow...